I’m 21 years old. I was Senior Class President and high school Dance Team Captain. I worked my butt off and graduated college in 3 years, Magna Cum Laude. I was president of a business club on campus. I worked as many hours as I could at my dream job as a campus tour guide. I had interviews and job offers lined up after graduation.
And then I got sick.
I stopped being able to get out of bed. I couldn’t make it to class. I could barely keep enough concentration or memory to effectively study, so my grades dipped. I never had enough energy to even shower, let alone go to work. I even became malnourished because I didn’t have enough energy to make food for myself or go grocery shopping.
I cancelled a trip that I had been planning for months to teach English in Peru for the summer. I emailed my future employers letters of regret that a recent health crisis had disabled me from moving to a new city and beginning a full-time job. I removed a bid for a great apartment with one of my best friends in one of my favorite cities. I moved home with my parents and began looking into part-time jobs.
I was entering adulthood, and yet was pulled back into the days of being an infant where I have to be fed and can’t walk far distances (*new invention, adult strollers with pillows and wine glass holders).
I was frustrated that I didn’t deserve this. I was jealous of my best friends for having the energy to dance all night at a club and then go home and eat pizza until 5 am. I missed my senior year of college because I napped through most of it. I witnessed my friends post laughing pictures to Instagram and co-workers upload smiling pictures with excited prospective students. People were growing up and moving on with their lives. But there I was, my mother feeding me crackers because I was in so much pain from my fever that I could not lift a spoon to my mouth.
I felt like I was sitting inside looking out a window, watching everyone live their lives like they always had. For some reason, I had such a hard time realizing that I was putting myself on that side of the window – that I could just walk outside and join them. Yes, my life will never be what it used to be. And yes, I now have limitations and restrictions, but they exist so that I can have a longer and healthier life. My diseases are a part of me. I didn’t cause them, I didn’t want them, but I have them. And there is nothing I can do about them. So I might as well embrace them, and thrive because of and despite them.
It’s okay to be sick, and you have to believe that. It’s okay to ask for help from friends, or for time off from work. Underneath relationships and work, health is all we ultimately have. Our top priority should be maintaining that. So yes, while it’s totally natural to feel defeated and disappointed in the wake of an autoimmune disease diagnosis, you cannot unpack and live there. Figure out ways to achieve your goals with your diseases, or even create new goals that you never knew you wanted!
We do not have control over our immune system’s hyperactivity, but we do have control over the quality of our lives. As my aunt once put it, just because our life is not turning out the way we initially planned, doesn’t mean that it is anything less than. It is simply different. So embrace the different, prepare yourself for the unexpected, and construct a new, healthier, and just as exciting life as you always imagined.
Chronically KMads 