Today Was a Bad Day

I cried today because I couldn’t eat pasta.

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I went to an electro cardiologist this morning because my heart rate has been pounding through the roof upon standing, I battle vertigo multiple times a week, and I am so lightheaded that I can’t remain standing for longer than one minute without risking losing consciousness. My cardiologist believes I have POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). The diagnosis criteria requires a patient’s heart rate to increase 30 beats per minute upon standing from a resting position, or to exceed 120 beats per minute upon standing. My resting heart rate is typically in the low 60’s. When I stand, my heart rate immediately jumps to 130 bpm. It jumps 70 beats per minute, more than the minimum diagnosis criteria of 30 bpm, sometimes even jumping 100 bpm.

Regardless of this obvious information that can be easily interpreted using a pulse oximeter on my finger, my electro cardiologist requires a tilt table test (my second one) to formally issue a diagnosis. A tilt table test is where they strap you to a table that, you guessed it, tilts you into different positions and monitors your heart rate and consciousness.

In my personal life, for those who have been following, I have applied to a teacher preparation program in the same state where my boyfriend is stationed for the military. In order to receive admission to the program that starts today, I needed to mail my college transcript and the application form to the program’s address. Well. The mail got lost along the way, even though I paid extra for certified mail and tracking, and now the deadline has passed and the program has none of my information. After several phone calls, I managed to fax and email my information to the program director, to then begin filling out a background check. The background check could not be completed until all of my application materials could be accounted for (note, which are still missing). Due to the time crunch and postal error, the director is giving me somewhat of an extension. But now, something is held up in the background check process and it has simply halted its way towards completion. 

I have also begun a new diet in order to rid myself of Nonalcoholic Fatty Liver Disease. I have cut out carbs, starches, sugars, and processed foods. These food groups and ingredients are accumulating in my liver, causing fibrosis (early but reversible scarring). If I can clear my body of ingesting any more of them, then my liver can eventually regenerate that tissue. Side note, however, my favorite foods are pasta, potatoes, and anything in the cookie/brownie/cake/cupcake family (it is no longer a surprise where that fatty liver came from…). I was literally raised alternating eating between potatoes and pasta. 

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So today, I came home and I cried because I couldn’t eat pasta. I cried because I had to sleep all day, felt a persistent stabbing headache, and the room was spinning from 7:30 am until now, as I lie in bed trying to fall asleep, all because I was asked to stand for two minutes during my morning appointment. I cried because the only time I could schedule my tilt table test was during the exact time of my hepatologist appointment that I booked a month ago and the next opening is about another month out. I cried because even if I am diagnosed with POTS, there is no cure, nor even a treatment plan. I cried because I don’t know if I am moving in with my wonderful boyfriend in 29 days like my phone countdown shows, or if I’ve been denied that opportunity because bad luck keeps tossing curve balls my way. I cried because even if all my materials are successfully received and I am admitted to the teacher preparation program, there is a strong chance I may not be able to even complete the classroom shadowing hours because I can’t stand up for more than a minute. I cried, because all I wanted after today, was a nice big bowl of pasta in all of its buttery goodness.

I cried because today was a bad day.

I mostly only have good days, with bad days sprinkled in. But that makes the bad ones manageable, because they even out. But when every aspect of your life – diet, health, and career – are teetering on such thin lines that seem to all snap at the same time, you can’t help but feel the pressure overwhelm you. There are times in our journey when our happy faces give way to the stress and anxiety we battle with everyday. Usually we can keep it controlled and continue on with our lives with as little venting and negativity as possible. But we are human, with pent up emotions, and they need to be released sometimes.

I thought tonight about how relieving it would be for something to go right. Just something silly and little in my daily life to happen smoothly. No plans are cancelled last minute, no fatigue hinders my day’s goals, the object in motion simply stays in motion. I know things can be a lot worse, and one of my favorite quotations reminds that it is a bad day, not a bad life. I am in no way denying my appreciation for all of the other wonderful things in my life. But I am saying that it’d sure be nice to catch a break, or maybe even just a bowl of pasta.